(thread, 1/2)

Story time!

My wife and I went to a hot pot at her friend's place.

We arrived first, to our surprise. We said hi, the host apologised for not everything being ready yet.

My wife asked if she could help, so she washed her hands, was given a knife and was stationed at a cutting board to chop vegetables.

My wife had literally just returned to our home city on a train. And barely slept last night. It's not important to the story but it's relevant.

I was feeling lazy so I didn't help out for now. I sheepishly apologised and asked if it was ok if I don't help out and can rest a tiny bit. The host said sure. So far, so normal.

Soon, the other three guests arrived. A married straight couple and another man.

The woman jumped straight to helping. The men grabbed a beer each and started chatting.

It was so fucking uncomfortable for reasons that are difficult to articulate, so I helped out a little too. I washed and peeled some oranges that were going to be a palate cleanser for the meal.

It's not that not everyone did stuff. There wasn't that much TO do. Definitely not enough work for six people.

It's the dynamic of what happened. The... pacing. The vibe.

It's not that the men didn't help or offer to help. It's that every tiny little thing about their body language indicated it didn't occur to them as an option.

It was screamingly obvious, even to me, a trans woman who had decades to settle into the "male" role and I'm honestly not used to that aspect of being a woman. I mean, I did start out not helping because I was tired, when my wife did and was obviously five times more tired. I'm not perfect in this situation.

But even I quickly joined the other girls because it was all so... icky. So viscerally uncomfortable to not help. It felt wrong.

It still feels wrong. Not that women did the work. No, I mean the fact that the work was invisible to men. Very clearly. It you asked me how I know, I'd struggle to tell you. But I know.

Cis women reading this are, I would guess, either nodding along or mildly surprised that this is news to me. Trans women who've transitioned a while ago as well, probably.

And I can't guarantee it, but I imagine some other trans women have awoken to this shit as well when their perceived position changed.

I was thinking maybe I was making a thing gendered when it isn't, so I did message my wife and pointed out that who worked and who didn't fell across gender lines and does it always happen like that. She said yes.

(duh)

And like... the issue is not that the two guys didn't do anything. I didn't chastise them for doing nothing because them doing anything was not needed. I couldn't articulate to them why the situation felt so... slimy.

And a lot of men reading this post right here are still not gonna get it. They're going to say I see the patriarchy everywhere.

Which is my issue.

I was raised the same way. I too got comfortable with this learnt helplessness. I too am still somewhat bad at doing stuff I should be doing.

If you're a man, your mom did stuff for you and then, chances are, your girlfriend or wife became your new mommy. And not the sexy kind.

If you're a man and you're somewhat progressive, you might want to help your partner around the house. And you miss that you just read that previous sentence and didn't see an issue with me using the word "help".

It's not something that can just be undone, because trying to make men aware of this dynamic, and a million other dynamics, will get a woman labelled a "nag".