Uncle Duke

ME: I thought Tom Jones was a dead English singer, but he’s alive and Welsh.

WIFE: You write some awful jokes.

ME: It’s not unusual.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

“Ma’am, my partner and I have done a thorough inspection of your property, and I’m afraid you’re going to need a new flowerbed, several bushes, and you will most likely need to reseed the lawn. If you want, we can work up an estimate and get back to you.”

Phantom of the Opurra

they’re just begging for a car chase

Don’t put ants in your ears
Or bees in your anus
Lick a porcupine once
You’ll find out what pain is
And there’s just one last thing
One final reminder

Police Raid Home of Suspected Arms Dealer

His kids disappoint him
He's pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He's

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

Exhausted and dehydrated, I slowly walk the last few steps. “This has to be it,” I think to myself. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and turn the handle, whispering a little prayer as I step through. I open my eyes and the last trickle of hope leaks away. I am still in IKEA.

“Buckle up, I’ll explain on the way.”

looks like someone got a label maker for their birthday

Ciabatta not fuck with them, they don't knead to put up with naan of your shit. You butter believe they'll crumb right at you and you'll be toast, your loaf over. Do you want your mama putting flours on your grave? Crust me, that's just how they roll. Okay, challah at you later.

[Olympic tryouts]

“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”