Kit Bashir

“Furrfu, a Caesar cipher? Really? Did you learn cryptography from the back of a cereal box?”

“You misunderstand. This is not the classical cipher where each letter in your message is replaced by one three places later in the alphabet.”

“Good, because i could solve that one in my head when I was twelve”

“In my cipher the encryption key is the name of a person. The decryption operation is to assassinate that person and XOR the ciphertext with their New York Times obituary”

“Fucking time travel again. Time machines ruined algorithms. Also there are only a limited number of celebrities; your idea doesn’t scale.”

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Ides

My brain boots up into a limited functionality where all it can do is slurp Coffee, Eat breakfast, and scroll doom. It's called CE-REAL mode.

Soldered connections in automotive and aerospace wiring eventually break because the solder wicks up the wire and makes it stiff and brittle:

When you need to crimp three connectors you:

“Can I interest you in our premium board? The deck is made of Lignum Vitae; it has curly maple inlay and low-oxygen copper field coils”

“Just the plywood one, thanks”

“And our extended warranty—“

“No, just the board.”

“You really should have a platinum grounding strip…”

“My thude I once ran a seance on a piece of driftwood and the jumper cables from my truck. Spirits can’t tell the difference between a plywood ouija board and your four thousand dollar auraphile bullshit.”

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Upspell

Yeah that thermal pad to the STEEL case is probably why your network switch falls over at random.

“Oh shit, I forgot to plug my dress in”

“What, you have to charge your clothes?”

“No doofus, it’s the sonic cleaning cycle”

“Uh, we have a washing machine”

“The label says dry clean only”

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Dry_Clean

TITLE: Some notes toward a polynomial time solution in Hamiltonian circuits.

ABSTRACT: Feline Frenetic Traversal Behaviour (also called “kitty zoomies”) is shown to solve a class of graph-traversal problems in better than exponential time-complexity. An underlying mechanism of catnip-induced quantum nondeterminacy is hypothesised to be exploitable for solving the entire NP-complete problem-set via the application of veterinary hypercomputing. In this report we

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Frenetic_Traversal #Caturday

I remember as a teenager moping around the gold-rush era ghost towns of the Outback while my father prospected for gold and relics. Thanks to termites, there’s no feels-like-the-people-just-left-yesterday vibe in this part of the world, instead the occasional wagon wheel rim or stone kerb is all that hints there was once a bustling town here. We never did find that monster gold nugget or hoard of coins that every metal-detectorist dreams of; I won’t say it was wasted time however. The odd silver watch back or rare shilling, a few tictac sized gold bits, and of course all the nails and horseshoes you could ever want. Oh and an abiding love for the countryside, archaeology, and family.

There’s more tech in a modern metal detector than you’d think. Detecting metal is relatively easy. Discriminating the coke cans, gum wrappers and other C20 detritus from precious metals is what separates a toy from a real detector.

The oldster who brought their detector in for repair was pleased to encounter someone who knew what it was and how it works. The corrosion made it beyond repair, alas. Alkaline batteries are a curse, don’t leave cells in your precious artifacts, friends.

This encounter got me thinking, the analog detectors of the last century were clever, but RF voodoo is not really my forte. What would a modern detector look like? Ground penetrating radar (you know this if you’re a Time Team fan)
is an obvious possibility. Solid state Neutrino-avalanche diodes would give an old time prospector a gold fever flare-up to beat the band.

I tested my prototype at the scrapyard on different metals. Way in the back I found something rabbit-sized that’s black, twice as dense as gold, and scorched from atmospheric reentry. I cranked the radar power all the way up to see if I could discern any structure. No signal, it just absorbed everything. Then it lifted off the ground and hovered in front of me.

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Detective

Oh hey, do you (yes YOU) publish toots on a regular theme (art, fiction, particular niche interests)? Would you like to archive them to a searchable blog and/or RSS feed?

I wrote a program to do that. The tl-dr is that I use the "Hugo" blogging engine which compiles markdown files into blog posts on a static site (no wordpress, no database, no hacking surfaces). Then I use this script that I wrote to search my mastodon and make new markdown files for any new toots. I run it once with -- count=0 to get all matching toots forever, then daily with --count=14 to update the last two weeks' toots (refreshing likes etc, on recent posts). Then it's the standard compile-the-blog-and-push-it-to-the-server process.

https://github.com/unixbigot/rankle?tab=readme-ov-file#blog-archiving

The same process can also be combined with Matt @mattgemmell@mastodon.scot Gemmel's https://github.com/mattgemmell/pandoc-publish to turn a collection of toots into an e-book.

“Dammit, seems like we’re losing a 1970s celebrity every damn day now” “Rejoice, the time of eternal life is nigh!” “The fuck are you on about?” “Is it not written that the last boomer to enter heaven will pull the ladder up after themself?”

Oh hey, I found a whole new Murderbot short story¹ I didn’t know about! (besides the two²³on Tor)

¹ https://www.wired.com/story/future-of-work-compulsory-martha-wells/ or if your governor module blocks that see https://archive.is/2025.08.31-014611/https://www.wired.com/story/future-of-work-compulsory-martha-wells/

² https://reactormag.com/home-habitat-range-niche-territory-martha-wells/
³ https://reactormag.com/rapport-martha-wells/

WRT #NewProfilePic what colour should I reboot those grey hairs to?

Follow my logic here. Cyber eyes are mandatory on construction sites so that the site management AI can highlight safety hazards in your visual field. My health insurance covers these as a necessary medical aid. I can claim the insurance gap as a tax deduction. So why can’t I deduct my ad blocker subscription?

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Necessary_Aid

One for @vik@mastodon.nzoss.nz https://boingboing.net/2026/02/20/dead-mosquito-beaks-make-surprisingly-good-3d-printing-nozzles.html

The bank’s phone support workers cautiously approved of the provision of antigravity pads for their chairs, reducing the discomfort and detrimental effect of sitting for long periods. Their caution was justified when it emerged that the local ‘g’ was linked to their stack-ranked call clearance rate.

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Performance_Relativity

You asked for a #PowerOnStoryToot #eBook collection. Here is Volume Zero (free!). Subsequent volumes will cover quarterly posts, so about 100 stories each. This one is the pre-history, 35 stories posted before I settled on a daily cadence.

I'm working with illustrators on an illustrated edition.

https://ko-fi.com/s/0e28c333fd

Darnit, BoM have changed the format of their ftp.bom.gov.au file giving river flooding levels. Anyone remember if their old system is still producing data at some alternative hostname (I vaguely recall this from during the new site release snafu)

EdIT: I was thinking of reg.bom.gov.au, but that doesn't help. the old version of ftp.bom.gov.au/anon/gen/fwo/IDQ60286.html had CSV data embedded inside it, as well as HTML. Now it's only HTML and I do not want to have to parse HTML tables.

Why do you want access to the restricted section? Well yes of course research, but you can’t just front up; you need to make an application via your department. Because it’s a cognitohazard. You specify what topics you want, register a mind vector, then do your research. You’ll be accompanied—at all times—by a psychologist, and when you are done one of our proctors will merge your temporary state with your entry state, filtering out things you didn’t want to know. This is not a game; the true crime podcast archive contains examples of almost all the evils of which humans were capable. Wiping them out was a mercy.

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Sealed_Section

Despite outside expectations, the supreme leader of the church of inner light was not full of shit when he predicted the second coming of the great prophet on 15 Feb at 1pm. Embarrassment was comparatively minor in the missed apocalypse milieu; TgP turned up an hour later, having not been told about Daylight Savings.

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Daylight_Saviour

“Come with me if you want to live”

That old line.

“I said, come—“

“I KNOW. I’M THINKING.”

“What, uh, why, I mean, your destiny”

“Siddown, kid”

“There’s no time”

“You’re a time traveler. They could have sent you back with plenty of time to act, but they made it so you’re rushed and disoriented. Sit.”

“I don’t get it, you’re in danger…”

“The time war is a manufactured crisis. Keeps wages down, gives the people an external threat to distract from the real villains”

“Prove it”

I handed her a copy of “So, you’re a child soldier in a proxy war”, then tapped my earbud. “Control, the tip was genuine, I’ve got another one.”

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_No_Time

When you only got one back foot you gotta keep it in top condition! #Caturday #CativityPub

“Gah, that smoke alarm next door has been going off for HOURS.”

“Maybe there’s a fire?”

“No, I can see in the window.”

“Well, smoke alarms work by measuring alpha particle decay from a piece of radioisotope, so if there’s no smoke blocking the particles, maybe the sensor is just tired”

“So?”

“So, you just need more radiation to saturate the sensor. Here, try my keychain ionizer”

“What. Why. BZZT”

“I can’t believe that worked. Wait, WHY DO YOU HAVE A KEYCHAIN DEATH RAY”

“Duh, did it not just come in handy?”

#Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot #Title_Zero_Alarm for @caity@bne.social

“I’m not in the right headspace to do this.” “You’re the fold operator on duty, nobody else can do it.” “Then, Ma’am it is my recommendation we lay over and reassess tomorrow. Let’s not add to the Rolls Of The Lost.” “You know what this means, right?” “Yes. Computer: Navigation officer raising Condition T. Captain, do you concur.” “I do. ALL HANDS NOW HEAR THIS. ALL HANDS. CONDITION T, I REPEAT CONDITION T. ITS TACO NIGHT. NAVIGATOR JONES ON THE GRILL” #tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot

We used a card catalogue to take the census, just to be safe. The results were hand tabulated three times for error checking, the cutoff frequency is four point three MegaHertz, plus or minus two percent. Any clock signal faster than this will eventually attract an infowasp swarm. They primarily feed on those high frequency radio emissions, but when they are driven into a frenzy state any nearby radiator (say, a human brain) will be attacked. Look, by all means try shielding your high performance computer, let us know if you live, we’ll stand well back. Or maybe check your attic for something below the Langerfeld Limit. — Sent from my Amstrad CPC6128 #Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot

I didn’t have “time travel” anywhere near the top of my “next grift after AI” list. The chronomigration bubble came out of a confluence of developments; gamma ray telescopes sensitive to the 500 keV electron-positron annihilation energy allowed us to spot the inbound antimatter comet 67i/Fermi as soon as it began interacting with the solar wind. Gravity tugs brought 67i to lunar orbit, where laser ablation was used to direct a stream of antimatter dust onto fuel pellets (just moon rocks, in fact). The plume of energy liberated by quantum annihilation acted as a giant rocket motor, slightly perturbing the moon’s orbit in such a way to tug the earth farther enough away from the sun to cool the climate. It will take four hundred centuries, which is where the time travel (also facilitated by the matter/antimatter energy fountain) comes in. If you can afford the fare, you can deposit one dollar in a savings account, blip out of our climate ravaged world and arrive rich in the clean, comfortable future. No, you cannot deduct the cost from your future fortune, it doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t work at all. The kind of person who would take this offer can’t be expected to know the difference between a time portal and a disintegration field. And they just won’t believe you when you warn them. #Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot

(A repost for #solarpunk and #resilience folk of today’s edition of my #PowerOnStoryToot series)

—

You always felt kind of sad when walking past an overgrown, sometimes half-buried railway line. So much work went into connecting communities and providing a network of low-cost transport, that you feel a rip in your heart over your grandparents act of letting the vines of connection wither in favour of expensive, inefficient BORING automobile carriages.

The joy of watching the countryside slide by while reading a book or having a face to face conversation can’t compare to being stuck at the levers and dials of those darn cars. You wonder at the hubris of attempting to make cars self-driving, as if Gödel and Murphy hadn’t seen right through that in advance.

The train line to your daughter’s house runs past a scrapyard. The tower of Teslas is particularly tall today, must be the crusher operator’s day off. Hey, what if…

An idea-candle lights in your mind.

The scrapyard was puzzled when you wanted to buy a dozen Teslas, they run fine but who can bear the shame, they said. Won’t be keeping the bodywork, you answered.

The old spur line that terminates at the abandoned rail yard near your home was a perfect testbed. Plenty of roof space for recycled solar panels, old wooden passenger carriages that can drop on to the new teslabogeys. Your impromptu market day service between here and the next town became a celebration of community spirit, sunbonnets and sunglasses, baskets of produce, flocks of kids and dogs. The idea-candle lit other fires.

Visiting your kid last week, you noticed the scrapyard looking rather bare.

You might think working a phone repair kiosk is a waste of my skills. Yeah nah. Today, this kid came in with an iPhone that was more than cracked, it was banana-fied. “What happened?” I asked, turning the wreckage over in my hands. I don’t think there was a single salvageable part. “And have you considered just upgrading?” “My novel’s on there”, the kid said, wringing his hands anxiously. “It got ran over by a hauler bot.” “Got a backup?”. The tears in the kid’s eyes were all the answer he needed to give. “Okay, event rebasing is the only way to fix this”, I gestured at the price board, “can you afford that?” He gulped. “Uh, just.” “You sure?” “Yes. Can you really fix it?”. Hope flickered in his eyes. “Let’s see, no win no fee”. I held the smashed and bent phone-ana in my hands and turned it over, feeling its shape in space and time. With my /other sight/ I saw its lifeline leading away from where the kid had been, a shimmering trail of history leading back in time. With the fingers of my mind, I felt back along the lifeline until i felt the bump, beyond which the device had been a flat rectangle. Exploring the shape of the damage event I twisted the lifeline into a loop. Now here’s the tricky bit; if you have the knack, and you dig your nails in /just so/ you can pinch out a moment in time and detach it. I rubbed the lifeline with my mental fingers, smoothing out the join where the excised moment had been. Blinking back to the present, I powered on the phone and handed it back to its owner. “All good?” The kid’s fingers flew over the screen as he checked on his preciousss, and breathed a huge sigh. “All good. That’s incredible, can you fix *anything* like that?” “Almost. Like?” He avoided my gaze, staring down at my hands on the counter with their iridescent nails, matching the highlight colours in my hair. He made eye contract briefly, wide eyes again a bit teary. “Even…..me?” Oh, that. “Absolutely not. *wink* Such things are not done and definitely not by me. Clear?” *nod* “Okay, hold still.” It’s a different technique than rebasing, especially because i like to spread the change over a few years to conceal the edit. “All done”. “Oh wow”, she said, reaching up to feel her shoulder length mauve hair (clearly I’d nailed that detail), then taking a twirl. “How, how much do I owe you?” “On the house and you weren’t here. “ The tears were back. “Thank you thank you, this is the best. “ “My pleasure, have a great life” “Thanks, you too” she said. “Bye!” “Wait! Don’t forget your phone!” #Tootfic #MicroFiction #PowerOnStoryToot

Your first solo summoning. Pentacle. Check. Candles. Check. Incantations leave you a little hoarse but your intonation and recall is perfect. Silver bodkin. Fingertip. One drop of blood on the right spot.

The fatigue slams into you like a truck. You appreciate the wisdom of a coven-of-three now. Must. Finish. Ritual. You stagger as the world turns grey; drop to your knees. “Oh no!” you croak as you topple forward across one limb of the pentacle, then darkness takes you.

GOOD MORNING MADAM. A cheerful voice wakes you. You’re in a bed. Clothed, reveals a panicked glance under the covers. “Oh shit I broke the containment!” you recall in dismay.

You lift your gaze to the room. A demon. Unshackled. Two metres tall, red skinned and…wearing an apron.

I HOPE MADAM IS WELL RESTED. I HAVE PREPARED TEA. I ALSO BAKED COOKIES. NOT THE MOST TRADITIONAL OR HEALTHY OF BREAKFAST FOODS BUT THEN I *AM* A MANIFESTATION OF ANCIENT EVIL.

As you sip tea and nibble a cookie (rather good, with white chocolate chunks), you reflect “well, this could have gone worse”.

#Tootfic #MicroFiction