Fesshole 🧻

Welsh speaker here. It's completely untrue to say that the only times we speak Welsh in public are to annoy boorish English visitors. But it is true to say those are the *best* times.

I received a phone call from a rival company asking for a character reference for one of my staff. The employee in question is the worst in my team. Incompetent, always late, and not the nicest of people. So of course I gave the most glowing reference I've ever given.

Until I was in my late twenties, I thought 'Test cricket' was some sort of practice cricket. It did strike me that these international teams seem to do an awful lot of practice - when is the proper match?

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I hate mowing the lawn so I scattered a bunch of seeds that strangle the grass. They unexpectedly flowered and now I get lots of butterflies and my neighbours don't.

In 2006 I wrote some code to change "Morden" to "Mordor" when saving addresses in a large internet shopping company's database. I've never been to Morden and it is probably lovely. But I was drunk and it seemed like a fun jape. They still exist. No idea if my code does.

I created a work Excel file to help me keep track of new web pages. I called it 'The Alan Parsons Publishing Project' referencing a 70s band. My boss randomly shared it across the entire project team. Now senior staff ask for updates on 'the Parsons project' with no idea why.

I have a secret stash of digestive biscuits the wife does not know about.

Early 90s, working in IT Support for a national company, I really fancied a girl who worked in the sales department. Ensured her computer would fail every week so I would have to go to her desk and fix it. Did my plan work ? Nope, she hated me.

I check the number of dog poo bags left on the roll before a walk in the same way I'm sure a soldier checks his gun clips for bullets before setting out on a dangerous mission. You never know what you are going to encounter and preparation is key.

I pretend I'm buying old WWF/WWE figures for my 6-year-old son. They're not for him. I play with them, do the commentary and create tournaments when I have a free house. Makes me feel 11 again.

Went to a bisexual swingers party and met a completely naked guy with very large equipment. We fooled around a bit but later I had to leave before he did. Unsure of the correct etiquette, I shook his hand to say goodbye, but then reflexively also shook his semi-erect member.

I used to watch a porn actress but unsubscribed from her channel years ago because at the start of one of her videos she was reading The Daily Telegraph before the man arrives and they start bonking. Daily Telegraph can go hang.

Got binned after 18 years during Covid. Had to go and take my laptop and bits back so with no one in the building went into the meeting rooms and drew cocks and balls on random pages on the flip charts for when they returned to work

I've been a paramedic a few years now and let me tell you. Old dudes dying of a heart attach in bed with beautiful ladies, never happens. But over half of our cardiac incidents are guys wanking alone in front of a screen. Might be because of the city where I work, I guess.

Late 1980s, after last orders. Gang of us bounced someone's Reliant Robin across a road and into one of the old, open-fronted, pebble-dashed bus shelters. It fit perfectly, lengthwise. Sorry.

Im terrified AI will eventually enable us to communicate with our pets, and I'll find out my cat's an arsehole who hates me.

I'm a vicar in a small rural village. I could never say this to my flock because of the outcry, but Reform are blatantly opposed to genuine Christian values and it's clear that anyone considering voting for them has not been listening to a single word I say each week

I'm in a pagan group. One evening during a sea ritual at the beach one of our more prominent members said that she heard a song in the waves that was in another language, and everyone was awestruck. In fact, it was just me singing a song from Moana. I can't tell anyone.

For years the only writing I did with a pen was my signature on docs, everything else being on a keyboard or phone. Today when writing a page in longhand I discovered that I can no longer grip a pen properly. I've lost something through atrophy. Don't be like me, kids.

It used to be a treat to spread out on the king size bed and have the best luxurious sleep when my wife went away. Now divorced and I can't bring myself to enjoy it like I used to. I sleep miserably solely on 'my' side of the bed instead.

As a middle manager, I was assigned to lead a team in an area I knew nothing about. To cover this I had the team work together and was praised highly by all for building a strong team ethic and collaboration. Ended up in a senior role at another company. Biggest blag ever.

I root through the bins of local stores. They throw out food past the marked date even if it isn't spoiled. I've cut my food expenditure in half. Why waste money and food?

Thought I saw my mother in the distance in the shopping centre and started waving frantically at her. Fucking mirror.

My husband told me for years that my long fingernails are a self-imposed disability given that I can't use the tips of my fingers. I ignored him because I think they're pretty. Had to cut them for a medical procedure and oh my god was he right. Never going back.

Accidentally shaved off an eyebrow when trying to trim them. I shaved the other one off to match as I thought it'd look less stupid. It didn't. But rather than admit I fucked up, I told the Mrs I did it on purpose due to losing a bet.

On Linux forums I, a woman, would get ignored and disrespected. These days I ask my question, then switch to a fake account to give a completely wrong answer, then switch back again to thank them and praise their Linux knowledge. The experts show up right away. Sorted.

I've done it. I finally understand pointers. I know it may not seem like a huge achievement to others but I get pointers in C now.

Added a fried egg to a pizza. It improved the pizza. Tried it with lasagne. Same. I've been adding fried eggs to everything and it is always an improvement: vegetable soup, tarka daal, tahchin, black forest gateau, and even apricot crumble. I think I have an egg fixation.

Wife went to doctor as she'd regularly wake up at exactly 2am with no explanation. He prescribed vitamins. On the way to the shop I remembered that I've set the washing machine, dishwasher and dryer to come on at 2am to save on electricity. They all beep when they start running

Once added so much cheese to my toastie machine that it short circuited the entire house. Landlord had to replace the fusebox and I never said a word.

Spent a good two hours wandering round my house one evening trying to locate the intermittent weird whistling noise. Turned out it was my left nostril.

I often imagine lasers coming out of the ends of my toes, cutting holes in nearby furniture. I assumed everyone did this so had never mentioned it to anyone before, but my partner insists no-one else does it. Surely everyone does though?

Partner and I watched Lord of the Flies TV series. I printed a picture of a shell off the internet. Every time she criticises me I hold up the picture and say "You can't speak unless you're holding the conch." It's only been two days and I think she's going to leave me.

We adopted a dog. Lovely in everyway except when someone farts - when it rushes over to them and tries to smell their bum. Even silent ones it hears or detects. Having people over is a nightmare - embarrassing for all concerned

No, actually it was you who spent €50 on a small wrap of bicarbonate of soda from some little dickhead in a blue coat in the Temple Bar area of Dublin last night. Obviously I wouldn't do something that stupid.

The only reason I'm such a "cinema buff" is because I watched so many foreign movies in BBC2 and Channel 4 in the pre-internet 90s. Foreign films had boobs in them.

I get up early sometimes to put the dishwasher on. Then I go for a shave. If I time it right, I can open the machine and have my freshly shorn face blasted with scalding steam. What a buzz.

80s WHSmiths worker here, sorry to disappoint, but none of us gave a shit that you were typing "10 PRINT "WHSMITH ARE SHIT", 20 GOTO 10" on the display-model ZX Spectrum's and running away. We were more bothered about when time lunch was.

I am a courier. On a recent piss break at one of my regular stops, I let out a long, noisy fart. An extractor fan I'd never noticed before noisily burst into action and as I looked up I spotted it was connected to an air quality monitor. Isn't modern technology amazing?

When I get home, I strip off and put all my clothes in the wash. I then do around forty mins housework in the nude. Apparently this isn't normal.

Having sex with a lovely woman I was dating. She didn't seem too into it, so I asked if she'd like to try something else. She looked up and with a sweet smile said, "No, that's okay. You can finish." She thought she was being kind, but my heart sank and I felt like a brute.

Have been suspended pending investigation at work, for allegedly having sex in the office. I didn't have sex with anyone on account of the fact I'm a fat, anti-social thirty-something. I am trying to take solace in the fact they think I could pull someone, at least.