geekysteven

More people need to be incorrectly pedantic.

"Actually, it's not 'the Hulk' it's 'the Hulk's monster'"

Trump is surprisingly good at speedrunning the Bush administration. He clipped straight to the part where everyone realizes the war is a bad idea, skipping that time-consuming bit where Americans are supportive and want an invasion.

I'm already against the next war! haha, but I'm still against the last 27 wars too

"Al is here to stay"

well ok, but me complaining about Al is also here to stay

Puritan dog names:

-Whos-A-Goodly-Boy

-Walkies-With-God

-Fear-Dog

-Supplication

-Prudence-Eat-the-Homework

-Sinner Milkbone

Of course you don't think your manuscript needs any changes, it's a jalopy held together with duct tape and you've learned how to drive it without it falling apart on the highway

Anti-Al folks are violating the social contract, which has always been someone uses a new technology and the expected response is "that's neat, Gary" what is Gary supposed to do now

Getting high on life is free. Getting high on paint fumes is free too if your neighbor leaves his shed unlocked.

[GPS voiced by Horace Greeley]

"Go west, young man. In a quarter mile, turn right, young man. Your manifest destiny is on the left."

Bless* this** mess***
*Plough
**My
***Booty

You can't shame conservatives for their misdeeds, they're immune to caring about that, but you can publicly thank them for doing progressive things they absolutely did not do. My representative is begging me to stop telling people he increased funding for school libraries

The only reason Sonic doesn't say "fuck" is because no one said it around him, he doesn't know it's an option

If Jesse and James were in a Final Fantasy game they'd announce themselves by saying
"Prepare for trouble..."
"...and make it troublega"

I put "writer for The Tonight Show' on my resume cause no one is going to check, cause they'd have to risk talking to Jimmy Fallon

It was a hard-won victory, in the sense that the battle gave me a woody

buddy I can't even afford to spell wayguu beef

Get Unbelievable History at Smashwords
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1917190

"I want to look really nice for this date"

*turns anti-aliasing all the way up

Most people use the term “fitness” interchangeably with “fuckability” but the employees at Planet Fuckable still don't like it when I call it that

Tortugula was not interested in being around the other turtle at the moment so she's just been calmly chilling on my chest. I usually try to take a distant "let them be turtles" approach so I'm pleasantly surprised that she's being, well, cuddly by turtle standards

The United States has lasted a really long time for something that started out as an inside joke between George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.

Scientists discover that the band you liked a bunch in the 90s isn't as good as you remember.

If all other records from the 2020s were lost, future historians could piece together a rough timeline based on which charity game bundles I bought