Terry Pratchett Quote Bot

“We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.”
(Night watch)

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'Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're not a nasty small-minded little jerk ...' (Feet of Clay)

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…space is not really big, it is simply somewhere to be big in. Planets are big, but planets are meant to be big and there is nothing clever about being the right size.
(The Light Fantastic)

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‘What’s the good of having mastery over cosmic balance and knowing the secrets of fate if you can’t blow something up?’
(Reaper Man)

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Belief is one of the most powerful organic forces in the multiverse. It may not be able to move mountains, exactly. But it can create someone who can.
(Reaper Man)

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'That's the thing about gods. They'll always find a way to, you know ... hang on.'
(Hogfather)

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‘D*mn!’ said Carrot, a difficult linguistic feat. (Feet of Clay)

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‘You’re being reasonable again!’ snapped Angua. ‘You’re deliberately seeing everyone’s point of view! Can’t you try to be unfair even once?’ (Feet of Clay)

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Ankh-Morpork did not have many hospitals. All the Guilds maintained their own sanitariums, and there were a few public ones run by the odder religious organizations, like the Balancing Monks, but by and large medical assistance was nonexistent and people had to die inefficiently, without the aid of doctors. It was generally thought that the existence of cures encouraged slackness and was in any case probably against Nature’s way.
(Guards Guards)

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‘We died for lies, for centuries we died for lies.’ He waved a hand towards the god. ‘Now we’ve got a truth to die for!’
‘No. Men should die for lies. But the truth is too precious to die for.’ (Small Gods)

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Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living.

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'No one can be as sane as he is without being mad.' (Feet of Clay)

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He felt that the last couple of hours had somehow carried him along without him actually touching the sides, and for a moment he nursed the strangely consoling feeling that his life was totally beyond his control and whatever happened no one could blame him.
(Equal Rites)

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Ramtop people believed the Ogg feud was a blessing. The thought of them turning their immense energy on the world in general was a terrible one. Fortunately, there was no-one an Ogg would rather fight than another Ogg. It was family.
(Witches Abroad)

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What he couldn’t do with fifty thousand dollars…
Vimes thought about this for a while and then thought of the things he could do with fifty thousand dollars. There were so many more of them, for a start.
(Guards Guards)

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‘I shall deal with the matter momentarily,’ he said. It was a good word. It always made people hesitate. They were never quite sure whether he meant he’d deal with it now, or just deal with it briefly. And no-one ever dared ask.
(Guards Guards)

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Nanny Ogg was basically a law-abiding person when she had no reason to break the law, and therefore had that kind of person’s attitude to law-enforcement officers, which was one of deep and permanent distrust. (Maskerade)

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For a moment the rank felt as though they had just returned from single-handedly conquering a distant province. They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt.
(Guards Guards)

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“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.”
(The Last Continent)

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Sergeant Colon went back to his desk, surreptitiously opened his drawer and pulled out the book he was reading. It was called Animal Husbandry. He’d been a bit worried about the title - you heard stories about strange folk in the country - but it turned out to be nothing more than a book about how cattle and pigs and sheep should breed.
Now he was wondering where to get a book that taught them how to read. (Feet of Clay)

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‘Am I alone in thinking, by the way, that it doesn’t add to the status of the University to have an ape on the faculty?’

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He was, by and large, against the idea of a permanent office. On the positive side it made him easier to find, but on the negative side it made him easier to find. The success of Dibbler’s commercial strategy hinged on him being able to find customers, not the other way around. (Soul Music)

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Horse dung made a good fuel, but the Horse People had a lot to learn about air conditioning, starting with what it meant.
(The Light Fantastic)

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There is a type of girl who, while incapable of cleaning her bedroom even at knifepoint, will fight for the privilege of being allowed to spend the day shoveling manure in a stable. (Soul Music)

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‘What shall we do?’ said Twoflower.
‘Panic?’ said Rincewind hopefully. He always held that panic was the best means of survival…
(The Light Fantastic)

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Somewhere almost out of hearing, children were at play. It was always a pleasant, lulling sound.
Always provided, of course, you couldn’t hear the actual words.
(Hogfather)

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This part of Ankh-Morpork was known as The Shades, an inner-city area sorely in need either of governmental help or, for preference, a flamethrower. It couldn’t be called squalid because that would be stretching the word to breaking point. It was beyond squalor and out the other side, where by a sort of Einsteinian reversal it achieved a magnificent horribleness that it wore like an architectural award.
(Mort)

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People like Nanny Ogg turn up everywhere. It’s as if there’s some special morphic generator dedicated to the production of old women who like a laugh and aren’t averse to the odd pint, especially of some drink normally sold in very small glasses. You find them all over the place, often in pairs.
(Witches Abroad)

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“Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.”
(Hogfather)

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‘Be what?’
‘Pro-active, I think. It’s a word he’s using a lot.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘Well…in favour of activity, I suppose.’
‘Really? Dangerous. In my experience, inactivity sees you through.’ (Last Continent)

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… most pixies and gnomes weren’t the least interested in dressing up in little pointy hats with bells on when there were other far more interesting things to do. All that tinkly-wee stuff was for the old folks back home in the forest – when a tiny man hit Ankh-Morpork he preferred to get drunk, kick some serious ankle and search for tiny women.
(Hogfather)

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'I should have thought you'd be all for kings.'
'Some of them were fearful oiks, you know,' she said airily. 'Wives all over the place, and chopping people's heads off, fighting pointless wars, eating with their knife, chucking half-eaten chicken legs over their shoulders, that sort of thing. Not our sort of people at all.'
(Guards Guards)

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…she was aware that somewhere under her complicated strata of vests and petticoats there was some skin, that didn’t mean to say she approved of it.
(Equal Rites)

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All she could do for all of them was be herself, here and now, as hard as she could. (Lords and Ladies)

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Granny suffered from robustly healthy teeth, which she considered a big drawback in a witch. She really envied Nanny Annaple, the witch over the mountain, who managed to lose all her teeth by the time she was twenty and had real crone-credibility. It meant you ate a lot of soup, but you also get a lot of respect.
(Equal Rites)

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It is true that the undead cannot cross running water. However, the naturally turbid river Ankh, already heavy with the mud of the plains, does not, after having passed through the city (pop. 1,000,000), qualify under the term ‘running’ or, for that matter, ‘water.’
(Reaper Man)

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‘Well, it just reeks ambience.’
‘Oh.’
‘What’s ambience?’ said Swires, sniffing cautiously and wearing the kind of expression that said that he hadn’t done it, whatever it was.
‘I think it’s a kind of frog,’ said Rincewind.
(The Light Fantastic)

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Nanny Ogg was basically a law-abiding person when she had no reason to break the law, and therefore had that kind of person’s attitude to law-enforcement officers, which was one of deep and permanent distrust. (Maskerade)

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When the least they could do to you was everything, then the most they could do to you suddenly held no terror. (Small Gods)

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‘By gor’, that’s a bloody enormous cat.’
‘It’s a lion,’ said Granny Weatherwax, looking at the stuffed head over the fireplace.
‘Must’ve hit the wall at a hell of a speed, whatever it was,’ said Nanny Ogg.
‘Someone killed it,’ said Granny Weatherwax, surveying the room.
‘Should think so,’ said Nanny. ‘If I’d seen something like that eatin’ its way through the wall I’d of hit it myself with a poker.’
(Witches Abroad)

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Cuddy had only been a guard for a few days but already he had absorbed one important and basic fact: it is almost impossible for anyone to be in a street without breaking the law. (Men at Arms)

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Chrysoprase had been a very quick learner when he arrived in Ankh-Morpork. He began with an important lesson: hitting people was thuggery. Paying other people to do the hitting on your behalf was good business. (Soul Music)

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Like most people, witches are unfocused in time. The difference is that they dimly realise it, and make use of it. They cherish the past because part of them is still living there, and they can see the shadows the future casts before it.
(Wyrd Sisters)

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'Well ... welcome. My house is your house', his brow suddenly furrowed and he looked worried, 'although only in a metaphorical sense, you understand, because I would not, much as I always admired your straightforward approach, and indeed your forthright stance, actually give you my house, it being the only house I have, and therefore the term is being extended in an, as it were, gratuitous fashion —'

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There was plenty of flat ground in the Ramtops. The problem was that nearly all of it was vertical.
(Wyrd Sisters)

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‘Down in Klatch they believe if you lead a good life you’re rewarded by being sent to a paradise with lots of young women.’
‘That’s your reward, is it?’
‘Dunno. Maybe it’s their punishment.’ (Interesting Times)

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She was not an unkind woman, despite a lifetime of being gently dried out on the stove of education ... (Soul Music)... she was brilliant in the same way that a diamond is brilliant, all edges and chilliness. (Soul Music)

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He was vaguely aware that childhood was a tricky business, especially toward the end. There was all the business with pimples and bits of your body having a mind of their own. (Soul Music)

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For a moment the rank felt as though they had just returned from single-handedly conquering a distant province. They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt.
(Guards Guards)

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“He said he liked my singing too. Everyone else said it sounded like a flock of vultures who’ve just found a dead donkey.”
(Pyramids)?

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