The Onion

Pete Hegseth Questions What Girls Were Doing In School To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Saying critics of the missile strike that killed at least 175 civilians were dodging a fundamental question, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Friday demanded to know what girls were doing attending school to begin with. “In all this talk about who was responsible and how this happened, are we just going to ignore t…
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‘NY Times’ Columnists Hold Roundtable To Determine What’s Wrong With Them

NEW YORK—In a recorded discussion posted to the newspaper’s YouTube channel, opinion columnists for The New York Times reportedly held a roundtable Thursday to determine what, exactly, was wrong with them. “It is a tragedy that there is something wrong with us; it is a larger tragedy we have not yet been able to pinpoin…
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https://theonion.com/ny-times-columnists-hold-roundtable-to-determine-whats-wrong-with-them/

What To Know About The New Requirements For SNAP Benefits

New work requirements for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program have gone into effect across the nation, threatening benefits for millions of Americans. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new SNAP restrictions. Q: Why were new work requirements put in place? A: Barb Klimath of La Crosse, WI, saw someone pay for […]
The p…
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Study Finds Mourning Loved Ones A Huge Waste Of Time

PHILADELPHIA—Hailing the discovery as a major step forward in the understanding of human psychology, University of Pennsylvania researchers published a study Monday revealing that mourning loved ones is a huge waste of time. “Contrary to past assumptions, our work suggests grieving a lost family member or friend is really just throwing away precious time on …
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IT Guy Warns Employees Not To Trust Emails He Sends After A Few Drinks

DENVER—Saying strange formatting and grammatical mistakes were a dead giveaway that such messages weren’t to be trusted, local IT specialist Mark Tapley warned employees this week not to trust emails he sends after a few drinks. “Personal security is my priority here, so I’d advise everyone in the office to disregard any e…
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It Wasn’t Called ‘The 2008 RV Market Crash,’ Was It?

Why risk losing a costly stationary house when this Class C motor home can also transport you away from floods and fires. Reference #023478
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Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary

Kristi Noem was fired from her post as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and will be replaced by Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), the embattled Noem’s exit following intense public backlash to her handling of Trump’s immigration crackdown and mishandling of department funds. What do you think?
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Kristi Noem Reassigned To Scarecrow Role At USDA

WASHINGTON—Characterizing her new role in the middle of an Iowa corn field as a better fit for her skill set, the White House announced Friday that former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem had been reassigned as a scarecrow at the USDA. “While she clearly struggled in her prior position, we realized Kristi still had more […]
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Trump To Americans: ‘You Won’t Have To Pay Your Son’s Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War’

WASHINGTON—Striking a note of optimism as the prospects for a protracted conflict with Iran grew likelier, President Trump on Friday urged Americans to bear in mind that they’ll no longer have to pay their son’s cell phone bill if he dies at war. “You may be grieving at first, but, believ…
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Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead

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DOJ Employee Charged In Child Pornography Case

Longtime Justice Department employee Timothy Parsons, a legal staffer in the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Washington, D.C., was arrested and charged in a child pornography case and is facing federal criminal charges in Maryland. What do you think?
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Tips For Researching Local Candidates

Voting in local elections is key to democracy. The Onion shares tips for researching candidates on the ballot in your community.  First, learn the name of the town or city you live in, and ideally the state as well. Decide exactly how important it is to you that your vote is informed. Ensure your preferred […]
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Prosecutors Unable To Attend Live Nation Trial After Scalpers Buy Every Ticket

NEW YORK—Jeopardizing the fate of what could be a landmark federal antitrust trial, U.S. prosecutors were reportedly unable to attend the Live Nation trial Friday after scalpers bought every ticket. “Ah, shit, I promised my daughter I was going to prosecute Live Nation for her birthday,” said David E. Dahlq…
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https://theonion.com/prosecutors-unable-to-attend-live-nation-trial-after-scalpers-buy-every-ticket/

Royal Family Quietly Removes Prince Andrew’s Line Of Salad Dressings From U.K. Grocery Stores

LONDON—Faced with continuing public outrage over the former prince’s ties to notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, the British royal family on Friday quietly removed Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s popular line of salad dressings from stores. “For decades, British consumers have asso…
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Trump Defends Addition Of   Ballroom To    Air Force One

WASHINGTON—Having abandoned his pledge not to let construction interfere with the plane’s existing structure or aerodynamic design, President Donald Trump defended on Thursday his decision to add a “magnificent” neoclassical ballroom to Air Force One. Trump, who appeared dismissive of photos that showed an excavator ripping into the famed Boeing 747, told…
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EPA Unveils Plan To Make Water Chunkier

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide a “more hearty, spoonable drinking experience,” the Environmental Protection Agency announced Thursday a sweeping new initiative to make all U.S. tap water chunkier by 2030. “For too long, Americans have had to put up with thin, dull water, but we’re going to cut through all of the unnecessary red tape and […]
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Pat Yelsh and Jordan Menz

Statistically speaking, not every wedding is going to be magical.
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Trump’s War On Iran: Myth Vs. Fact

The White House has defended strikes on Iran, stating that the country’s leaders are “paying for their crimes against America.” The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding President Trump’s war. MYTH: As commander-in-chief, Trump has the authority to take military action. FACT: It is unconstitutional for a U.S. president to declare war without the […]
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Kevin Durant Terrified After Encountering Bobblehead Of Self

HOUSTON—Paralyzed with fear at the unexpected sight of the miniature figurine, Houston Rockets forward Kevin Durant reportedly screamed in terror Tuesday after unexpectedly coming face-to-face with a bobblehead version of himself. “Who…who are—what do you want from me?” said the visibly trembling 15-time all-star, who nervously backed away fr…
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Internship Providing Woman With Hands-On-Shoulders Experience

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Beatrice Fagan

If the body of Beatrice Fagan, 88, is not claimed within one year, her corpse will be sold at a state-sponsored auction.
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The (Sc)Avengers

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Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie’s Captors

WASHINGTON—As shocking footage surfaced of his participation in the rowdy celebration, FBI director Kash Patel faced backlash Thursday after he was seen partying with the captors of Nancy Guthrie. “I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthrie’s mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a …
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https://theonion.com/kash-patel-faces-backlash-after-partying-with-nancy-guthries-captors/

Katherine LaNasa Admits She Had Never Heard Of Blood Before ‘The Pitt’

BURBANK, CA—Admitting that her medical knowledge was “very limited” before landing the role of nurse Dana Evans, actress Katherine LaNasa told reporters Thursday that she had never heard of blood before The Pitt. “At first I wasn’t even pronouncing it right,” said the 59-year-old Emmy winner and HBO star, who credited the se…
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Uncovered Georgia O’Keeffe Letters Confirm Paintings Were Veiled Depictions Of Basset Hounds

SANTA FE, NM—Putting to rest a debate that had stirred in the art world for decades, newly uncovered letters from Georgia O’Keeffe made public this week confirmed long-running speculation that the painter’s iconic flower works were in fact veiled depictions of basset hounds. “I wa…
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https://theonion.com/uncovered-georgia-okeeffe-letters-confirm-paintings-were-veiled-depictions-of-basset-hounds/

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’

WASHINGTON—In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that being left in a hot car could “help babies sweat out toxins.” “Roll up the windows, park in a sunny spot, and let the sun do its magic—in a couple hours, your […]
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Dad Pursuing Lottery Scratchers Full-Time Now

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